Forming 'Da Circle'

This past Thursday I sat in my first meeting of Da Circle, a student group to which I was invited by my undergraduate brethren. This was the initial meeting and proved to be quite stimulating. The gathering consisted of me, my brothers Chauncey and Zeke and various other men and women. It was a small group and we spoke on numerous topics including Change (when people change themselves or attempt to change others during or for the sake of a relationship), and Friends With Benefits (what happens that line between friends and lovers is blurred). Personally I feel “friends with benefits” is a PC term for “Fuck-buddy”; one young lady didn’t seem to think so.

Upon hearing much of the male rhetoric that was offered, it appeared that the ladies present were somewhat blindsided. It’s like they were thinking ‘Lord, these men are discussing relationships…and they’re making sense’. Soon after, they suggested a break for food. In actuality, this break was nothing more than a means to ‘regroup’ and formulate a not-so-tactful and practically unnecessary rebuttal, much to our (the men’s) expectation and disappointment.

They proceeded to not only join in the discussion but per a woman’s nature, sought dominance of the forum; listening to (but not truly hearing, I imagine) individuals they chose by means of selective call and response: Certain people in the forum offered their opinion and depending on what was said, they were either questioned repeatedly or cut off when they tired of him/her.

Due to the facilitator’s affinity for Q&A, we wound up falling into a skillful trap where the discussion deteriorated into an light, one-sided argument, which was not the purpose of this gathering. In keeping with their strategy, the ladies, it seemed, were unable (or in all likeliness unwilling) to embrace the overall logic and purpose of the discussion, seeking to merely overrun ‘the opponent’. To paraphrase comedian Chris Rock:

“Men have a need to make sense….She’s not in it for sense, she’s in it for distance and irritation”

Mission accomplished ladies.

They essentially yakked and yakked and yakked until the only voices that could be heard were theirs. The problem was this was not meant to be an arena of debate, but a place of healthy conversation. A means of establishing and refining one of the key elements in a relationship: COMMUNICATION.

This was only the first meeting, but the idea of 'da circle'has the potential to be a very positive outlet for new students as well as anyone else who’s having a rougher time than usual navigating the dating scene as well as life. A couple of gentlemen managed to get some weight off their shoulders that night and that’s what it’s really about. Everybody needs some kind of opportunity to let it all out before it eats them up inside. I’ve been asked to facilitate the next gathering, partly because I am the oldest in the group (27 y.o.), and my life experience has given me a thicker skin and fair amount of emotional distance from the other participants. I’ll keep them talking. I’ll keep them honest. It will be good.

Ryan Scales
October 4, 2009